I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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