did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
