absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
