Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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