I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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