Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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