I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
