Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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