Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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