it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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