there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
