Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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