I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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