We won't sleep together?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
