I hate all girls vehemently.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
