I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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