I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
