The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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