So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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