I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
