Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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