So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
