u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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