What did we do last night that was yellow?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
