so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
