Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
