My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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