Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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