i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
