Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I currently don't understand fingers.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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