did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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