i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
