you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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