Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
