Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
