So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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