Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
