So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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