I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
