During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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