she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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