Even the bartender felt bad for me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
