Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
