20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it's great music for shaving your balls
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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