Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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