I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
