his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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