just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
