Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
