the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
