I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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