my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
